Just like that, we are at the end of yet another year - this one in some ways the biggest, most beautiful, most complicated year of my life-to-date. 2023 was a year of change and challenge. It started with us jumping into the maelstrom of parenthood, and ends with an ongoing search for soul and self, place and peace - a neverending journey, as this blog can attest to over many years. In a year’s time, Jordan has transformed from our tiny newborn babe into our much bigger babe, on the verge of toddlerhood. Already I can see the shades of his personality and temperament, especially where they so closely mirror mine: he is strong-willed but adaptable, always confident yet sometimes so insecure and in need of love. He seems thus far, like me, to be an unrepentant introvert, and his sense of balance and body control is, like mine… not particularly gifted. But he is so beautiful in every way, and I love that he is becoming his own person, that he has favorites (“Mamamamamamuh…”), that he is becoming more creative and expressive as he acquires mobility and cognitive ability, and, most of all, that I can already tell he will not be a perfect child or a perfect person, which will only make me love him more.
As I reflected a few months ago, Jordan’s existence has brought into sharp relief the contours of my life - the choices and tradeoffs I make every day passively or explicitly, and the precious fleeting quality of the time that I have. Ephemeral experiences have been the centerpiece of this blog for many years, often exemplified by the passage of seasons, faraway or familiar landscapes transformed by time, and the changing of foliage over each year’s rhythm. With Jordan, this experience is magnified and amplified; it is like I wake up (and come home) to a new shade of brilliance on my Little Leaf, every day. That, along with a new family illness (my father, who was Jordan’s primary caregiver throughout the summer months, was unexpectedly diagnosed with colon cancer earlier this month, and is beginning to undergo treatment), have led to much soul-searching as the year draws to a close. I have always been a planner, and I have always been aware of my own mortality; now, I have a bucket list, organized by year and half-decade. I have always thought of myself as organized and responsible; now, I have a roadmap for exactly how I want to spend my lifetime’s worth of time and resources. This year has tested my sense of self, shaken up my marriage and family life (not always for the better), and subjected me to a level of physical and emotional exhaustion I thought I left behind in medical training. But, I come out of it in better physical shape than I have been in years (since pre-pandemic), more resilient (so many stressors no longer matter when you haven’t budgeted the life energy to give a shit), and ever more confident of my personal priorities, and the path I want to walk in the remainder of my life. Onward, to the remainder.
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December 15-17, 2023: A joyous weekend spent in Milwaukee, where I was given the opportunity of a lifetime to officiate the wedding of Ali and Ashley, two of my best friends from the Maryland era. It was my first time visiting Wisconsin and first time really spending any significant time in the Midwest. Despite that, Milwaukee engendered a feeling of peace and belonging in me; I walked around downtown each morning before wedding-related programming, getting my meals at the holiday-bedecked public market, and perhaps this is nostalgia speaking, but I was struck by how closely the city resembles Baltimore (right down to the direction and feel of the drive in from the airport, the industrial grit, and the overly ambitious yet charmingly underwhelming waterfront). I was also struck by the genuine and kind spirit of the people I met, not the least including Ali and Ashley’s families, who so graciously welcomed me into the festivities and made this humble introvert feel like part of a big family. A truly special experience I will always be thankful for.
December 22, 2023: Jane, my mom, and Jordan, come down Brookline Avenue to “pick Daddy up” from work on Friday night. We take portraits with the lit trees outside the Shapiro Building. The night is freezing, and poor Jordan’s little fingers are icy by the time we return him to the stroller and get back home.
December 23-27, 2023: A Christmas vacation to my mom’s lakeside house in Plymouth (sans my dad, who is in California recovering from abdominal surgery). On Saturday, we arrive and set up; after I do groceries for the week, Jane and I sneak out for a lunch buffet at Rio Brazilian Steakhouse while Jordan naps with Grandma. On Sunday, we visit Plymouth Beach and Nelson Waterfront Park in the morning before I bake a Christmas ham (served with mashed potatoes, gravy/cranberry jam, and roasted vegetables). On Christmas Day, we take a brief morning walk in Morton Park, where I photograph Jordan playing with pine duff and acorns on the forest floor; in the evening, we see sunset at Plymouth Harbor and take photos with the light display at the Brewster Gardens. On Tuesday, Jordan naps in the car as we drive south to Falmouth. We visit the Nobska Point Light, Nobska Beach, and the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute’s public aquarium (a lifelong dream of mine since studying oceanography with Jane in high school). After saying hello to Bubba the harbor seal and showing Jordan the fish tanks, we bring Jordan to his first ever sit-down restaurant experience (at Captain Kidd in Woods Hole). My mom has a lobster roll, while Jane and I share a fried platter and clam chowder in a breadbowl; Jordan eats his jar of mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs from home while maintaining eye contact with all the other patrons in the dining room. On Wednesday morning, we return home to Brookline in fairly heavy mid-week traffic.
December 28-31, 2023: A few days of re-centering while experiencing new things. We bring Jordan to do groceries, eat out again (twice - once at a Japanese market and once at an Indian buffet), visit several playgrounds, ride the T for the first time, and even attend his very first “gym” class. The poor child is exhausted and burnt-out after a week of firsts, so we ring in the new year with a very quiet day doing his favorite thing - playing with Mama at home.
